The Unbearable Heaviness of Being...................................
Life is the heavist baggage...wherever you go whatever you do theres no reprieve from life...you just have to carry it around like a bag of rocks chained to ur neck...i hate people who love their lives...r they special? r they better or smarter or more beautiful than me? y am i not happy? y can existence never b a pleasant experience for me? did i do something wrong? i certainly didnt choose to be me...n im certainly not allowed to b who i would like to be...mebe i dont know who exactly i would like to be yet but id love to find out...can someone else really tell what kind of a person u ought to be? does anybody know u well enough to decide for u ur career, ur direction, ur appearance, ur morals, ur emotions...does birth bring wt it certain obligations? do u have to please evryone? is it mandatory that u appeal, in all senses of the word, to ur parents, ur family, ur neighbours, ur relatives, ppl who come to ur church...? does tt let u grow at all? can u really evolve from infant to child to man in a world where ur failures r ur parents failures, ur success is thier success..? isnt tt too big, too constraining a burden to let u explore any real possibilities..? is that even fair? y shld my decisions, my life be the indication or yardstick of the quality of parenting i recieved? y r they to blame for anything i do? really, just how much do u owe two people who rapturously donated sperm n egg to make u? how planned, how pre-concieved r u? whc stormy night or rainy afternoon of langourous exercises in narcissm resulted in the tragedy that is u? for isnt tt all it was? an exrecise in self-esteem?if at all birth had a purpose, it was to colour in ur mothers fruity notions of womanhood..and for ur father to prove to himself and to the world that he is indeed a man...ur birth was their solution to their own sexual identities..u made ur mom a woman n ur dad a man..n tts all u were intended to do..that u lived on was an occupational hazard..for all practical purposes u being u, what u r, what ur made of was sheer accident; divine intervention if u want to delude urself...nothing more...maybe if ur parents checked out n compared thousand baby snaps on the net, poured over weight, height, iq, eq specifics, n picked u, ok then they really did choose u..ur the baby they wanted or ur atleast ur the baby closest to the one they wanted...but tts not wt happened wt u...the whole concept of obligation or duty to ur parents is absurd simply bcoz they did not pick u..ur not their gloroius choice..ur in fact a constant reminder of evrythng ur not...no doubt they would have pictured a baby wen they were at it..a nappy-ad coochicoo baby wt einstien cerebrum n brad pitt looks or the female equivalent..but thats not wt they got..they dint ask for all ur flaws man..no where in ten months of pregnancy did possible flaws in their perfect baby occur in their minds...those just came wt u..the pimples n the crooked teeth n the matty hair...the introversion and the unpopularity, ur aloofness and thier despair..none of taht was evr dreamed about or wished for..those were manufacturing defects that theyve been forced to live with...all our lives v r made to struggle thru the shit that is u n me n work our way towrds tt poster baby..tts y they want u to dress a certain way, act a certain way, become a certain someone wt white collar job and three bedroom flat..tts wht they dreamed abt..tts the baby they wanted..so WHAT? too bad u dint get what u wanted but tts life..get over it..u cnt change anything..nothing in ths world will change...so stop trying..all ths babble about owing somebody something coz they gave birth to u is sheer nonsense...simply bcoz they nevr wanted u..they alwys wnated the poster baby wch they dint get n ur life has been one consatnt how-to-be-our-dream-baby lesson..well enough of that shit already...really, please..i might not b as bad as u think..but maybe im destined for great things..maybe its not such a bad thing to b different..maybe it means i have a chance...n wt ur stamping out cld b the last flicker of my opportunity..wt ur trying so hard to erase cld b my only ticket to happiness..yes happiness..its an emotion..not very familiar but desperately seeking...maybe ill find happiness on a sunny beach in goa..beret n easel n canvas happiness...or a snow-white mountain in Shimla..pen n paper n whisky happiness...or maybe, maybe maybe ill find happiness in a tie n shirt n shoes like papa, behind a dest stacked wt files n constantly ringing phones..maybe i will..but maybe i wont..tts too big a probability for me rt now..rt now i wnat nothing more tahn to b happy..i want a life devoid of unpleasantness n emotional blackmail..i want to b able to smile n mean it..to laugh wt body n soul..i want to look in the mirror n see a sparkle in my eye..i wnat some sign of life in my face...i want to see an oasis of faith n a million miles of hope...i want to feel light n airy..i want to be a little boy ...i want to b a man..i want to b me...
Life is the heavist baggage...wherever you go whatever you do theres no reprieve from life...you just have to carry it around like a bag of rocks chained to ur neck...i hate people who love their lives...r they special? r they better or smarter or more beautiful than me? y am i not happy? y can existence never b a pleasant experience for me? did i do something wrong? i certainly didnt choose to be me...n im certainly not allowed to b who i would like to be...mebe i dont know who exactly i would like to be yet but id love to find out...can someone else really tell what kind of a person u ought to be? does anybody know u well enough to decide for u ur career, ur direction, ur appearance, ur morals, ur emotions...does birth bring wt it certain obligations? do u have to please evryone? is it mandatory that u appeal, in all senses of the word, to ur parents, ur family, ur neighbours, ur relatives, ppl who come to ur church...? does tt let u grow at all? can u really evolve from infant to child to man in a world where ur failures r ur parents failures, ur success is thier success..? isnt tt too big, too constraining a burden to let u explore any real possibilities..? is that even fair? y shld my decisions, my life be the indication or yardstick of the quality of parenting i recieved? y r they to blame for anything i do? really, just how much do u owe two people who rapturously donated sperm n egg to make u? how planned, how pre-concieved r u? whc stormy night or rainy afternoon of langourous exercises in narcissm resulted in the tragedy that is u? for isnt tt all it was? an exrecise in self-esteem?if at all birth had a purpose, it was to colour in ur mothers fruity notions of womanhood..and for ur father to prove to himself and to the world that he is indeed a man...ur birth was their solution to their own sexual identities..u made ur mom a woman n ur dad a man..n tts all u were intended to do..that u lived on was an occupational hazard..for all practical purposes u being u, what u r, what ur made of was sheer accident; divine intervention if u want to delude urself...nothing more...maybe if ur parents checked out n compared thousand baby snaps on the net, poured over weight, height, iq, eq specifics, n picked u, ok then they really did choose u..ur the baby they wanted or ur atleast ur the baby closest to the one they wanted...but tts not wt happened wt u...the whole concept of obligation or duty to ur parents is absurd simply bcoz they did not pick u..ur not their gloroius choice..ur in fact a constant reminder of evrythng ur not...no doubt they would have pictured a baby wen they were at it..a nappy-ad coochicoo baby wt einstien cerebrum n brad pitt looks or the female equivalent..but thats not wt they got..they dint ask for all ur flaws man..no where in ten months of pregnancy did possible flaws in their perfect baby occur in their minds...those just came wt u..the pimples n the crooked teeth n the matty hair...the introversion and the unpopularity, ur aloofness and thier despair..none of taht was evr dreamed about or wished for..those were manufacturing defects that theyve been forced to live with...all our lives v r made to struggle thru the shit that is u n me n work our way towrds tt poster baby..tts y they want u to dress a certain way, act a certain way, become a certain someone wt white collar job and three bedroom flat..tts wht they dreamed abt..tts the baby they wanted..so WHAT? too bad u dint get what u wanted but tts life..get over it..u cnt change anything..nothing in ths world will change...so stop trying..all ths babble about owing somebody something coz they gave birth to u is sheer nonsense...simply bcoz they nevr wanted u..they alwys wnated the poster baby wch they dint get n ur life has been one consatnt how-to-be-our-dream-baby lesson..well enough of that shit already...really, please..i might not b as bad as u think..but maybe im destined for great things..maybe its not such a bad thing to b different..maybe it means i have a chance...n wt ur stamping out cld b the last flicker of my opportunity..wt ur trying so hard to erase cld b my only ticket to happiness..yes happiness..its an emotion..not very familiar but desperately seeking...maybe ill find happiness on a sunny beach in goa..beret n easel n canvas happiness...or a snow-white mountain in Shimla..pen n paper n whisky happiness...or maybe, maybe maybe ill find happiness in a tie n shirt n shoes like papa, behind a dest stacked wt files n constantly ringing phones..maybe i will..but maybe i wont..tts too big a probability for me rt now..rt now i wnat nothing more tahn to b happy..i want a life devoid of unpleasantness n emotional blackmail..i want to b able to smile n mean it..to laugh wt body n soul..i want to look in the mirror n see a sparkle in my eye..i wnat some sign of life in my face...i want to see an oasis of faith n a million miles of hope...i want to feel light n airy..i want to be a little boy ...i want to b a man..i want to b me...
posted by ninetieschild at 8:25 AM
1 Comments:
even though we've talked about this a million times.. i can TOTALLY identify with wat u say.. i feel the same too sometimes.. but its not so over-bearing as u make it out to be.. maybe thts jus coz im more so UN-REBELLIOUS AND STUPIDLY ADJUSTING to everything .. also cant help thinking thts much also coz of our culture and stupid social system which we live in..sometimes i think u cant really blame them ..
but wow i know the frusturation.
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