ICY HIGHS : THE SOUNDTRACK .........................................:

so this is kind of like a soundtrack to my moods...its not the most original idea..but making the list kept me awake at work today..

wake up : Chop suey-system of a down

loo : unforgiven-metallica

ride to work: pretty fly for a white guy-offspring

sitting in office: break stuff-limp bizkit

ride back from work: alive-P.O.D.

love: disarm-smashing pumpkins

first date: learn to fly-foo fighters

make out: deep inside of you-third eye blind

sex: fly away-aerosmith

fight: with or without you-u2

break up: when love and hate collide-deff lepp

pining away: like a stone-audioslave

get back together: nearly lost you-screaming trees

i love u: call and answer-barenaked ladies

childhood nostalgia: 1979-smashing pumpkins

drinking n driving wt da boyz: locked up-akon

driving wt da boyz to d club: P.I.M.P-50 cent

in the club: right here right now-jesus jones

beers- tuesdays gone-metallica (styx,ohman!)

first buzz: everlong-foo fighters

dancing away: starry eyed surprise-paul okenfold

doing the train thing gayly: indian groove-magoo feat timbaland

pick-a-fight: wait and bleed-slipknot

black eyes n regret: time of your life-greenday

long distance love: throw your arms around me-eddie vedder

mallu boy: lajjavathi

smoking up alone: hollow years-dream theatre

smokin wt d boyz: shine on you crazy diamond-pink floyd

chemicals: smack my bitch up-prodigy

wasted: down in a hole-alice in chains

pass out: comfortably numb-pink floyd

eligy: the end-the doors

smash my pumpkins.......................:

just created a new blog...http://rapemeagen.blogspot.com...so i guess im not as misanthropic as id like to belive..im advertising my blog arnt i..? wch means theres more than a slight craving for an audience..life would be a boring drama if nobdy watched it..not that anybdy will..but the tickets r free..

everybody wants to be a rockstar..........................!

this is sort of a promo for a friend of mine..fatboi..hes this awesome singer cum guitarist..n jams wt my friend visaq n sometimes they get this drummer in too called tinku..ok vll hav to change his name to somethng cooler wen the band gets a record deal..lol..but wt im trying to say is fat bois got this awesome voice..n he makes like these guaranteed teary bleary songs..his music is like cobain meets beatles...wait ive alwys thought of nirvana as beatles meets ramones..but anywys..fat bois just made this song called wicked eyes..n its beautiful..its breathtakingly sad and its extremely radio friendly..there isnt even a bridge n he whines on n on for five n a half minutes without seeming at all repetitive in glorious melancholy..its just too unfair that hes stuck in a place that cn neither appreciate his music or give him a platform to showcase his talent..ive done my share of going to rock concerts..chenna banglore pune..n this guys as good as any of them..n his sound is quite unique compared to wts doing the rounds in indian rock today..it can b heavy and it can b deep too..it cn evoke a rainbow of emotions and tts somethng very few bands today cn do...most mainstream music is pretty uni-faceted..tho v hav our share of good music bands..esp in the north east where there r some amazing guitarists...i dont know how many of u ahv heard of this cochin band called aviyal..they ahd a pretty popular song and a great video called nadanada..ive nevr heard anyone sound convincigly angry in malaytaam before..its more diffciult thn u think..mallu, most indian languages in fact are very mellow n impossible to actually exercise rage in..these guys hav done a brilliant job wt a pretty heavy song ..good work by the dj too wch is a pleasant surprise..he doesnt sound nauseatingly electronic like linkin park or so many of the shitty nu-bands today..but just blends in with the very true-metal sound that is aviyal...
i guess wt im saying is as music fans i think v sort of hav a responsiblity towards local bands..go for a show evn if theyre not doing covers..buy a tape if u like it..rembr that they dont rly hav mtv or worldspace to back them like intl bands do but tts no reason for them to suffer in anonymity if they hav talent..i dont know wt anyone cn do abt it but its definitly time somethng happened for thse ppl to get their due..there r quite a few great bands out there today whod hav been superstars if they were in a difrnt country..so im going to do my bit n put up my friends song for download/listening on my blog as soon as he copywrites it..good luck to u fat boi..u rock man!

BEACH BOYZ..........................................!!!!

amazing the difrnce havng a ride can make..today started as another boringly white sunday..then suddenly fat boi calls up n sez lets go for a ride..ok then..so we go down to luciya (inevitable that we end up at a bar we're only human after all)..so vre sipping beers..n we think..hey we're alwys hanging out together n getting bored..(hes the only friend i have in this shitty place)so we call up gayboi..this friend of ours from school whos not really gay..or straight..n he comes over smiling n completely makes my day by saying.."have u been working out u sexy boy?"..hmm maybe hes gay,..anywy..so he suggests a trip to the beach..alright then i say beer-drunk n happy..u know tt feeling wen evrythngs just one huge smiley face aftr coupla beers..that one yeah..so we drive down..n the beach is nice n beautful as alwys..plus its just rained n its cool n breezy-blue..so we get us all ice cream(yes ice cream n its almost-freezing cold) .. n vre sucking on our cones n walking arnd happily like absolute dickheads...n suddenly wt do v see but a giant wheel..yes an actual fucking giant wheell..and ofcourse v gotta get on the thing..so we act all macho n act like we're all fine wt being the one sitting alone..turns out gayboi had more balls thn me n fatboi so he sitsalone..n the ride was so super-cool man..i mean i just sat there gripping arm rest n choking on my puke looking downward at this strangely ant-size city under my feet..but wt a ride ..good to be boys agen..and cheap too..ten bucks a ride..i love hw evrythngs cheap in ths cheap place..so after the ride we solemnly declare how not-scary that was n drive down to this really cool church on the beach..tht was fatbois idea..went down on bended knee n serenaded sweet mary..no she said..ur too old for a chrismas gift..not about to let divine fuck-offs colour my happy day sad we set off again..the three musketeers.two of us confirmed straight men..sadly no ladies interested but wt the hell..discuss going for a hindi movie..drop it n grab shourmas n head off to coffeebeanz..i have a physical dislike for all coffeeplaces and this one was just as plastic orange n nauseating..but met this colleague of mine there n bummed two slices of pizza off her..downed my orange blush (ahem) n drove off to annas arcade..i hate malls as a matter of principle but stood outside n smoked a couple of ciggies in unabashed mallpunk fashion..giving off airs n acting all cool..and finally picked up a copy of this months record ..n headed home..think this girl sort of checked me out on the bus back but tt couldve been the beer..or the resemblance to morrison..(ahem)..anywy..so basically wt a sad sad day full of happy happy fun..im so glad my blogs anonymous btw...some kodak moments today..will put em up wen gayboi sends em to me..just hope he doesnt doodle all over the snaps..or maybe hes straight..?

Lead Kindly Light.......................................

ok today i met this girl..shes more woman than girl..she must be atleast 35...shes my feature writing teacher at the journalism class im taking...shes one of those women who r not strikingly beatful..ull probably not even notice her in a room of ppl...till she starts talking..n suddenly all attention is on her coz she has the most fascinating views on evrythoing under the sun..and u dont really agree wt her ideologically so u put up ur hand n say no..n turns out she loves to debate u to nothingness..know wt i mean..?
so anwy this ladys like breakfast-sexy at best..saree n all..one very distinguished looking strand of grey hair..slightest paunch..very sunken eyes like she sleeps less than i do..or does serious dope..agen like i do...first thing she sez is half of u r probably too young for this discussion but i wnat u to giv me 200 words on marxism..right...very pro-capitalist me thinks hard for 5 mins on wt i can say abt a school of thought i find utterly unimaginative n impossible...n i go off at a tangent on anarchism in marxism..how theres more calls to arms in marxist philosophy than kung-fu..how anarchy cld well b the only positive element in marxism..she picks up my paper out of a pile of 30 n reads it out..n sez this guy is all balls..not in language that flowery but it makes her cooler somehw..n the next 15 mins she tried brainwashing us abt the gandhian parallel to marxism..peace n love n equality..balls, i sed..balls..there goes another 15 mins..belive it or not we spent an hour arguing..other kids put thier hands up n she actly asked them to shut up n let me talk..it was like a private conversation wt a firebrand..evrytime i sed somethng she disagreed wt her eyes just went up in smoke..there was actual passion in those 30-something year old eyes...something so new n profound in her thoughts..it was like a spell..i mean i dont know hw to expl it..she was awesome..n in her presence i cld feel myself being uplifted..she actly made me think stuff i had nevr considered simply bcoz it was too taxing n poiintless..but she amde it all worthwhile..i dint get till much later thht she was pulling my strings like a puppet master..to her the whole thing was an exercise in creative teaching..but i had the best time of my life those 60 mins..aftr so long somebdy actly made me talk my mind..i mean its not like i dint ahve opportunity but i dint want to..i liked my shell..but she somehw got it out of me n it was awesome..aftr class she walked out without so much as a nod..not that i was waiting for a smile n fone number..im not even talking abt tt kind of petty emotion..this was pure airlift..she just lifted me out of some hidey black well n put me on centrestage..the spotlight ive been running away from for so long..i thought teachers like that died wt budha or christ..n then she came along..stoop n pony tail..some ppl walk in n walk out of ur life..some leave a footprint..maybe this one wont last longer than the next wave..but its one id like to build a wall around...

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being...................................

Life is the heavist baggage...wherever you go whatever you do theres no reprieve from life...you just have to carry it around like a bag of rocks chained to ur neck...i hate people who love their lives...r they special? r they better or smarter or more beautiful than me? y am i not happy? y can existence never b a pleasant experience for me? did i do something wrong? i certainly didnt choose to be me...n im certainly not allowed to b who i would like to be...mebe i dont know who exactly i would like to be yet but id love to find out...can someone else really tell what kind of a person u ought to be? does anybody know u well enough to decide for u ur career, ur direction, ur appearance, ur morals, ur emotions...does birth bring wt it certain obligations? do u have to please evryone? is it mandatory that u appeal, in all senses of the word, to ur parents, ur family, ur neighbours, ur relatives, ppl who come to ur church...? does tt let u grow at all? can u really evolve from infant to child to man in a world where ur failures r ur parents failures, ur success is thier success..? isnt tt too big, too constraining a burden to let u explore any real possibilities..? is that even fair? y shld my decisions, my life be the indication or yardstick of the quality of parenting i recieved? y r they to blame for anything i do? really, just how much do u owe two people who rapturously donated sperm n egg to make u? how planned, how pre-concieved r u? whc stormy night or rainy afternoon of langourous exercises in narcissm resulted in the tragedy that is u? for isnt tt all it was? an exrecise in self-esteem?if at all birth had a purpose, it was to colour in ur mothers fruity notions of womanhood..and for ur father to prove to himself and to the world that he is indeed a man...ur birth was their solution to their own sexual identities..u made ur mom a woman n ur dad a man..n tts all u were intended to do..that u lived on was an occupational hazard..for all practical purposes u being u, what u r, what ur made of was sheer accident; divine intervention if u want to delude urself...nothing more...maybe if ur parents checked out n compared thousand baby snaps on the net, poured over weight, height, iq, eq specifics, n picked u, ok then they really did choose u..ur the baby they wanted or ur atleast ur the baby closest to the one they wanted...but tts not wt happened wt u...the whole concept of obligation or duty to ur parents is absurd simply bcoz they did not pick u..ur not their gloroius choice..ur in fact a constant reminder of evrythng ur not...no doubt they would have pictured a baby wen they were at it..a nappy-ad coochicoo baby wt einstien cerebrum n brad pitt looks or the female equivalent..but thats not wt they got..they dint ask for all ur flaws man..no where in ten months of pregnancy did possible flaws in their perfect baby occur in their minds...those just came wt u..the pimples n the crooked teeth n the matty hair...the introversion and the unpopularity, ur aloofness and thier despair..none of taht was evr dreamed about or wished for..those were manufacturing defects that theyve been forced to live with...all our lives v r made to struggle thru the shit that is u n me n work our way towrds tt poster baby..tts y they want u to dress a certain way, act a certain way, become a certain someone wt white collar job and three bedroom flat..tts wht they dreamed abt..tts the baby they wanted..so WHAT? too bad u dint get what u wanted but tts life..get over it..u cnt change anything..nothing in ths world will change...so stop trying..all ths babble about owing somebody something coz they gave birth to u is sheer nonsense...simply bcoz they nevr wanted u..they alwys wnated the poster baby wch they dint get n ur life has been one consatnt how-to-be-our-dream-baby lesson..well enough of that shit already...really, please..i might not b as bad as u think..but maybe im destined for great things..maybe its not such a bad thing to b different..maybe it means i have a chance...n wt ur stamping out cld b the last flicker of my opportunity..wt ur trying so hard to erase cld b my only ticket to happiness..yes happiness..its an emotion..not very familiar but desperately seeking...maybe ill find happiness on a sunny beach in goa..beret n easel n canvas happiness...or a snow-white mountain in Shimla..pen n paper n whisky happiness...or maybe, maybe maybe ill find happiness in a tie n shirt n shoes like papa, behind a dest stacked wt files n constantly ringing phones..maybe i will..but maybe i wont..tts too big a probability for me rt now..rt now i wnat nothing more tahn to b happy..i want a life devoid of unpleasantness n emotional blackmail..i want to b able to smile n mean it..to laugh wt body n soul..i want to look in the mirror n see a sparkle in my eye..i wnat some sign of life in my face...i want to see an oasis of faith n a million miles of hope...i want to feel light n airy..i want to be a little boy ...i want to b a man..i want to b me...

Apathy On Sale............................

take a look around u..umm a lil more figuratively heh...make a count of all the things uve bought tt u dint really need...shocked yet..? n its not just u..its evryone i know...from my grandmom to my lil niece..just up to their noses in spanking new things that nobdy cn figure out y they bought in the first place..! is there a reason for the bum rush? its not like suddenly evryones richer..if incomes gone up so have prices..i guess the one thing tt has changed is choice..v hav so much more choice now...theres a substitute for evrythng.wch still doenst expl the lack of conscience of the happyshopper...conscience? u may ask..yes, conscience..or am i the only one feeling guilty here..? i seriously feel damn guitly around plentiness..its ridiculous..v have starvation deaths in our country for gods sake..screw the country..there are 3 month old babies dying somewhere in africa coz their moms dont hav enough in their stomachs to give them healthy milk..thats two generations of malnourished ppl...and here i am wondering wch shade of blue would go best wt murky (not muddy) green denims...is somebdoy elses life really that meaningless.? surely there must b more to their suffering than shallow credit card warriors in another part of the world..tt cant b right..it just cant...i know theres nothing i can do..nothing far reaching anyw..but does that make it ok for me to join the party..? maybe i dont need a coke aftr work evryday..or more than one pair of sandals..im not adding to nike and cokes billions if all thats gonna do is displace a few hundred lives..the haves and the have-nots are both human for gods sake..the poor deserve respect just as much as we need our cable tv...they feel pain and hunger just like v have our petty problems-jealousy and ego and greed...well im damned if im going down like that...i dont mean to preach n i knw its useless to say stuff like donate old clothes, give away money..but please please dont let the last embers of humanity die without a fight...there must b something u cn do..somethng symbolic n not too painfull..hey im sure theres somethng u cn give up...mebe save on a cd..buy a tape..or record it from someone who has it..switch off all electrical appliances wen u leave a room...the old testament sez He will punish the world by taking away all empathy..its the worse thng tt cn happen to a person isnt it..? wastefulness is easily the first big step towrds apathy...evry resource wasted is stolen from somebdy more in need of it do u realize..? they may have bought me off..i cant live without their damn conveniences...but im sure as hell not buying in...its been a pleasure pointlessly consuming...but there r some things money cant buy...