icyhighs

2006-01-03T07:01:00.000-08:00

ICY HIGHS : THE SOUNDTRACK .........................................:

so this is kind of like a soundtrack to my moods...its not the most original idea..but making the list kept me awake at work today..

wake up : Chop suey-system of a down

loo : unforgiven-metallica

ride to work: pretty fly for a white guy-offspring

sitting in office: break stuff-limp bizkit

ride back from work: alive-P.O.D.

love: disarm-smashing pumpkins

first date: learn to fly-foo fighters

make out: deep inside of you-third eye blind

sex: fly away-aerosmith

fight: with or without you-u2

break up: when love and hate collide-deff lepp

pining away: like a stone-audioslave

get back together: nearly lost you-screaming trees

i love u: call and answer-barenaked ladies

childhood nostalgia: 1979-smashing pumpkins

drinking n driving wt da boyz: locked up-akon

driving wt da boyz to d club: P.I.M.P-50 cent

in the club: right here right now-jesus jones

beers- tuesdays gone-metallica (styx,ohman!)

first buzz: everlong-foo fighters

dancing away: starry eyed surprise-paul okenfold

doing the train thing gayly: indian groove-magoo feat timbaland

pick-a-fight: wait and bleed-slipknot

black eyes n regret: time of your life-greenday

long distance love: throw your arms around me-eddie vedder

mallu boy: lajjavathi

smoking up alone: hollow years-dream theatre

smokin wt d boyz: shine on you crazy diamond-pink floyd

chemicals: smack my bitch up-prodigy

wasted: down in a hole-alice in chains

pass out: comfortably numb-pink floyd

eligy: the end-the doors

2005-12-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

smash my pumpkins.......................:

just created a new blog...http://rapemeagen.blogspot.com...so i guess im not as misanthropic as id like to belive..im advertising my blog arnt i..? wch means theres more than a slight craving for an audience..life would be a boring drama if nobdy watched it..not that anybdy will..but the tickets r free..

2005-12-14T07:37:00.000-08:00

everybody wants to be a rockstar..........................!

this is sort of a promo for a friend of mine..fatboi..hes this awesome singer cum guitarist..n jams wt my friend visaq n sometimes they get this drummer in too called tinku..ok vll hav to change his name to somethng cooler wen the band gets a record deal..lol..but wt im trying to say is fat bois got this awesome voice..n he makes like these guaranteed teary bleary songs..his music is like cobain meets beatles...wait ive alwys thought of nirvana as beatles meets ramones..but anywys..fat bois just made this song called wicked eyes..n its beautiful..its breathtakingly sad and its extremely radio friendly..there isnt even a bridge n he whines on n on for five n a half minutes without seeming at all repetitive in glorious melancholy..its just too unfair that hes stuck in a place that cn neither appreciate his music or give him a platform to showcase his talent..ive done my share of going to rock concerts..chenna banglore pune..n this guys as good as any of them..n his sound is quite unique compared to wts doing the rounds in indian rock today..it can b heavy and it can b deep too..it cn evoke a rainbow of emotions and tts somethng very few bands today cn do...most mainstream music is pretty uni-faceted..tho v hav our share of good music bands..esp in the north east where there r some amazing guitarists...i dont know how many of u ahv heard of this cochin band called aviyal..they ahd a pretty popular song and a great video called nadanada..ive nevr heard anyone sound convincigly angry in malaytaam before..its more diffciult thn u think..mallu, most indian languages in fact are very mellow n impossible to actually exercise rage in..these guys hav done a brilliant job wt a pretty heavy song ..good work by the dj too wch is a pleasant surprise..he doesnt sound nauseatingly electronic like linkin park or so many of the shitty nu-bands today..but just blends in with the very true-metal sound that is aviyal...
i guess wt im saying is as music fans i think v sort of hav a responsiblity towards local bands..go for a show evn if theyre not doing covers..buy a tape if u like it..rembr that they dont rly hav mtv or worldspace to back them like intl bands do but tts no reason for them to suffer in anonymity if they hav talent..i dont know wt anyone cn do abt it but its definitly time somethng happened for thse ppl to get their due..there r quite a few great bands out there today whod hav been superstars if they were in a difrnt country..so im going to do my bit n put up my friends song for download/listening on my blog as soon as he copywrites it..good luck to u fat boi..u rock man!

2005-12-11T07:15:00.000-08:00

BEACH BOYZ..........................................!!!!

amazing the difrnce havng a ride can make..today started as another boringly white sunday..then suddenly fat boi calls up n sez lets go for a ride..ok then..so we go down to luciya (inevitable that we end up at a bar we're only human after all)..so vre sipping beers..n we think..hey we're alwys hanging out together n getting bored..(hes the only friend i have in this shitty place)so we call up gayboi..this friend of ours from school whos not really gay..or straight..n he comes over smiling n completely makes my day by saying.."have u been working out u sexy boy?"..hmm maybe hes gay,..anywy..so he suggests a trip to the beach..alright then i say beer-drunk n happy..u know tt feeling wen evrythngs just one huge smiley face aftr coupla beers..that one yeah..so we drive down..n the beach is nice n beautful as alwys..plus its just rained n its cool n breezy-blue..so we get us all ice cream(yes ice cream n its almost-freezing cold) .. n vre sucking on our cones n walking arnd happily like absolute dickheads...n suddenly wt do v see but a giant wheel..yes an actual fucking giant wheell..and ofcourse v gotta get on the thing..so we act all macho n act like we're all fine wt being the one sitting alone..turns out gayboi had more balls thn me n fatboi so he sitsalone..n the ride was so super-cool man..i mean i just sat there gripping arm rest n choking on my puke looking downward at this strangely ant-size city under my feet..but wt a ride ..good to be boys agen..and cheap too..ten bucks a ride..i love hw evrythngs cheap in ths cheap place..so after the ride we solemnly declare how not-scary that was n drive down to this really cool church on the beach..tht was fatbois idea..went down on bended knee n serenaded sweet mary..no she said..ur too old for a chrismas gift..not about to let divine fuck-offs colour my happy day sad we set off again..the three musketeers.two of us confirmed straight men..sadly no ladies interested but wt the hell..discuss going for a hindi movie..drop it n grab shourmas n head off to coffeebeanz..i have a physical dislike for all coffeeplaces and this one was just as plastic orange n nauseating..but met this colleague of mine there n bummed two slices of pizza off her..downed my orange blush (ahem) n drove off to annas arcade..i hate malls as a matter of principle but stood outside n smoked a couple of ciggies in unabashed mallpunk fashion..giving off airs n acting all cool..and finally picked up a copy of this months record ..n headed home..think this girl sort of checked me out on the bus back but tt couldve been the beer..or the resemblance to morrison..(ahem)..anywy..so basically wt a sad sad day full of happy happy fun..im so glad my blogs anonymous btw...some kodak moments today..will put em up wen gayboi sends em to me..just hope he doesnt doodle all over the snaps..or maybe hes straight..?

2005-12-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

Lead Kindly Light.......................................

ok today i met this girl..shes more woman than girl..she must be atleast 35...shes my feature writing teacher at the journalism class im taking...shes one of those women who r not strikingly beatful..ull probably not even notice her in a room of ppl...till she starts talking..n suddenly all attention is on her coz she has the most fascinating views on evrythoing under the sun..and u dont really agree wt her ideologically so u put up ur hand n say no..n turns out she loves to debate u to nothingness..know wt i mean..?
so anwy this ladys like breakfast-sexy at best..saree n all..one very distinguished looking strand of grey hair..slightest paunch..very sunken eyes like she sleeps less than i do..or does serious dope..agen like i do...first thing she sez is half of u r probably too young for this discussion but i wnat u to giv me 200 words on marxism..right...very pro-capitalist me thinks hard for 5 mins on wt i can say abt a school of thought i find utterly unimaginative n impossible...n i go off at a tangent on anarchism in marxism..how theres more calls to arms in marxist philosophy than kung-fu..how anarchy cld well b the only positive element in marxism..she picks up my paper out of a pile of 30 n reads it out..n sez this guy is all balls..not in language that flowery but it makes her cooler somehw..n the next 15 mins she tried brainwashing us abt the gandhian parallel to marxism..peace n love n equality..balls, i sed..balls..there goes another 15 mins..belive it or not we spent an hour arguing..other kids put thier hands up n she actly asked them to shut up n let me talk..it was like a private conversation wt a firebrand..evrytime i sed somethng she disagreed wt her eyes just went up in smoke..there was actual passion in those 30-something year old eyes...something so new n profound in her thoughts..it was like a spell..i mean i dont know hw to expl it..she was awesome..n in her presence i cld feel myself being uplifted..she actly made me think stuff i had nevr considered simply bcoz it was too taxing n poiintless..but she amde it all worthwhile..i dint get till much later thht she was pulling my strings like a puppet master..to her the whole thing was an exercise in creative teaching..but i had the best time of my life those 60 mins..aftr so long somebdy actly made me talk my mind..i mean its not like i dint ahve opportunity but i dint want to..i liked my shell..but she somehw got it out of me n it was awesome..aftr class she walked out without so much as a nod..not that i was waiting for a smile n fone number..im not even talking abt tt kind of petty emotion..this was pure airlift..she just lifted me out of some hidey black well n put me on centrestage..the spotlight ive been running away from for so long..i thought teachers like that died wt budha or christ..n then she came along..stoop n pony tail..some ppl walk in n walk out of ur life..some leave a footprint..maybe this one wont last longer than the next wave..but its one id like to build a wall around...

2005-12-04T08:25:00.000-08:00

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being...................................

Life is the heavist baggage...wherever you go whatever you do theres no reprieve from life...you just have to carry it around like a bag of rocks chained to ur neck...i hate people who love their lives...r they special? r they better or smarter or more beautiful than me? y am i not happy? y can existence never b a pleasant experience for me? did i do something wrong? i certainly didnt choose to be me...n im certainly not allowed to b who i would like to be...mebe i dont know who exactly i would like to be yet but id love to find out...can someone else really tell what kind of a person u ought to be? does anybody know u well enough to decide for u ur career, ur direction, ur appearance, ur morals, ur emotions...does birth bring wt it certain obligations? do u have to please evryone? is it mandatory that u appeal, in all senses of the word, to ur parents, ur family, ur neighbours, ur relatives, ppl who come to ur church...? does tt let u grow at all? can u really evolve from infant to child to man in a world where ur failures r ur parents failures, ur success is thier success..? isnt tt too big, too constraining a burden to let u explore any real possibilities..? is that even fair? y shld my decisions, my life be the indication or yardstick of the quality of parenting i recieved? y r they to blame for anything i do? really, just how much do u owe two people who rapturously donated sperm n egg to make u? how planned, how pre-concieved r u? whc stormy night or rainy afternoon of langourous exercises in narcissm resulted in the tragedy that is u? for isnt tt all it was? an exrecise in self-esteem?if at all birth had a purpose, it was to colour in ur mothers fruity notions of womanhood..and for ur father to prove to himself and to the world that he is indeed a man...ur birth was their solution to their own sexual identities..u made ur mom a woman n ur dad a man..n tts all u were intended to do..that u lived on was an occupational hazard..for all practical purposes u being u, what u r, what ur made of was sheer accident; divine intervention if u want to delude urself...nothing more...maybe if ur parents checked out n compared thousand baby snaps on the net, poured over weight, height, iq, eq specifics, n picked u, ok then they really did choose u..ur the baby they wanted or ur atleast ur the baby closest to the one they wanted...but tts not wt happened wt u...the whole concept of obligation or duty to ur parents is absurd simply bcoz they did not pick u..ur not their gloroius choice..ur in fact a constant reminder of evrythng ur not...no doubt they would have pictured a baby wen they were at it..a nappy-ad coochicoo baby wt einstien cerebrum n brad pitt looks or the female equivalent..but thats not wt they got..they dint ask for all ur flaws man..no where in ten months of pregnancy did possible flaws in their perfect baby occur in their minds...those just came wt u..the pimples n the crooked teeth n the matty hair...the introversion and the unpopularity, ur aloofness and thier despair..none of taht was evr dreamed about or wished for..those were manufacturing defects that theyve been forced to live with...all our lives v r made to struggle thru the shit that is u n me n work our way towrds tt poster baby..tts y they want u to dress a certain way, act a certain way, become a certain someone wt white collar job and three bedroom flat..tts wht they dreamed abt..tts the baby they wanted..so WHAT? too bad u dint get what u wanted but tts life..get over it..u cnt change anything..nothing in ths world will change...so stop trying..all ths babble about owing somebody something coz they gave birth to u is sheer nonsense...simply bcoz they nevr wanted u..they alwys wnated the poster baby wch they dint get n ur life has been one consatnt how-to-be-our-dream-baby lesson..well enough of that shit already...really, please..i might not b as bad as u think..but maybe im destined for great things..maybe its not such a bad thing to b different..maybe it means i have a chance...n wt ur stamping out cld b the last flicker of my opportunity..wt ur trying so hard to erase cld b my only ticket to happiness..yes happiness..its an emotion..not very familiar but desperately seeking...maybe ill find happiness on a sunny beach in goa..beret n easel n canvas happiness...or a snow-white mountain in Shimla..pen n paper n whisky happiness...or maybe, maybe maybe ill find happiness in a tie n shirt n shoes like papa, behind a dest stacked wt files n constantly ringing phones..maybe i will..but maybe i wont..tts too big a probability for me rt now..rt now i wnat nothing more tahn to b happy..i want a life devoid of unpleasantness n emotional blackmail..i want to b able to smile n mean it..to laugh wt body n soul..i want to look in the mirror n see a sparkle in my eye..i wnat some sign of life in my face...i want to see an oasis of faith n a million miles of hope...i want to feel light n airy..i want to be a little boy ...i want to b a man..i want to b me...

2005-12-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

Apathy On Sale............................

take a look around u..umm a lil more figuratively heh...make a count of all the things uve bought tt u dint really need...shocked yet..? n its not just u..its evryone i know...from my grandmom to my lil niece..just up to their noses in spanking new things that nobdy cn figure out y they bought in the first place..! is there a reason for the bum rush? its not like suddenly evryones richer..if incomes gone up so have prices..i guess the one thing tt has changed is choice..v hav so much more choice now...theres a substitute for evrythng.wch still doenst expl the lack of conscience of the happyshopper...conscience? u may ask..yes, conscience..or am i the only one feeling guilty here..? i seriously feel damn guitly around plentiness..its ridiculous..v have starvation deaths in our country for gods sake..screw the country..there are 3 month old babies dying somewhere in africa coz their moms dont hav enough in their stomachs to give them healthy milk..thats two generations of malnourished ppl...and here i am wondering wch shade of blue would go best wt murky (not muddy) green denims...is somebdoy elses life really that meaningless.? surely there must b more to their suffering than shallow credit card warriors in another part of the world..tt cant b right..it just cant...i know theres nothing i can do..nothing far reaching anyw..but does that make it ok for me to join the party..? maybe i dont need a coke aftr work evryday..or more than one pair of sandals..im not adding to nike and cokes billions if all thats gonna do is displace a few hundred lives..the haves and the have-nots are both human for gods sake..the poor deserve respect just as much as we need our cable tv...they feel pain and hunger just like v have our petty problems-jealousy and ego and greed...well im damned if im going down like that...i dont mean to preach n i knw its useless to say stuff like donate old clothes, give away money..but please please dont let the last embers of humanity die without a fight...there must b something u cn do..somethng symbolic n not too painfull..hey im sure theres somethng u cn give up...mebe save on a cd..buy a tape..or record it from someone who has it..switch off all electrical appliances wen u leave a room...the old testament sez He will punish the world by taking away all empathy..its the worse thng tt cn happen to a person isnt it..? wastefulness is easily the first big step towrds apathy...evry resource wasted is stolen from somebdy more in need of it do u realize..? they may have bought me off..i cant live without their damn conveniences...but im sure as hell not buying in...its been a pleasure pointlessly consuming...but there r some things money cant buy...

2005-12-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

Total Eclipse of the Heart...........

its hard being in love isnt it...? everytime u hear a spectacularly bad love song ur poor heart feels like its riddled wt bullets n evry inch of ur body aches...n evrytime u think of somethng remotely cute u may or may not have shared wt the object of ur affection a goofy smile comes on n u have to literally lift ur hand n wipe it off ur face before ppl find out ur crazy...its easy to knock love isnt it?people in love are easily the most targetted butt of jokes in the world...u fall in love n ur the big asshole of humordom...but i wonder if ppl get hw hard it is being in love..jeez its a full time job n it drives u up the wall all the freaking time...there r all these questions tt pound away at ur head..y doesnt she call? y does she call so frequently? y doesnt she pick up? is she thinking abt me rt now? n then theres all the jibes..n the pain of giving up...ur alwys giving up things wen ur in love have u noticed..? ppl will tell u sacrifice feels good wen ur in love but hell no man they hav no idea wt theyre talking abt...u cn b the ugliest most boring guy in the world but the second u fall in love wt someone a hottie will land on ur lap lookin for non-committed carnal pleasures uve alwys dreamed abt..or ur drinking day wt d india-pakistan game will just happen to b the date tt means 'evrything to her'...n u giv up ur side of the bed..n u start combing ur hair..n wearing shirts..n its a lot of things really..not that any of these things make u worse off..atleast not apparently..theyre all kinda self-improving really..but do u knw how hard it is for a slacker to change track? i gotta say its hardly alwys the girls fault..u alwys do a lot of things coz u think tts wt shed like u know.. for all u knw she mite have fallen in love wt ur stupid hair n ciggie-eaten teeshirts but theres all this pressure u know..to b the man she would love..wch is a tough call really..i dont evn knw wt kind of man id like to b..how the hell am i supp to figure out wt kind of man shed like me to b..? but in the end i guess its all in the game..i may bitch n whine but i know ill do all that agin n agin n agin just to see my baby smile...total eclipse of the heart..

2005-11-22T21:33:00.000-08:00

Talking About A Revolution......:

its been a while i know..been too lazy to write..somehw 'type' doesnt sound as nice as 'write'..sure ive given in to the digital age but id still like to think of myself as an old age romantic..happy in my beatnik life and impotent poetry..have to say its sad u cnt choose wen ur born..i mean look at us..vre easily the worst well-off generation to b born into..i wish i was born in the 50s or the 60s..or even the 70s..the 80s just screwed us over dint it..? i mean the most fucked up bunch off ppl ive seen are aged 18-21 right now..they dint evn giv us a chance man..delivering us into the fake comfort of the pre-liberalised 80s..all our cool new gadgets n english medium schools..spoonfed till v choke..atleast in the 60s u cld b wierd n still b cool..or atleast b allowed to be wierd..now vre all born deformed..deformed by conformity..vre all still babies i hope u realize..in the sense v dont move an inch forward or backwards..vre born wt our toes 9 inches in the sand n there v remain..all this uniformity..all this globalization n unification..its like evry single country is merging into the common marketplace of meaningless existence..where education jobs n lifestyles r bought off the net...vre all products on display on an invisible big amazon.com..n if v dont quite appeal to a customer demographic..they throw a couple of switches..cut ur hair shave that stubble wipe that cyncial grin off ur face..n ur all as faceless and identity-fucked as evrybody else..unblivable the amount of non-individuality v sport as a generation..and for what..? i mean is anybdoy really happy..? all this shit n what do v hav to show for it..? secret tears and broken hearts..makes u wonder doesnt it...?
well now that ive spread all the good cheer i could think ill leave...listening to tracy chapman..talking about a revolution..i wish...

2005-10-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

I hate internet quizzes.............................................:

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
Pop Will Eat Itself
Use Your Delusions
Hallucinogens Suck

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My hands
Eyes?

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My face
My Stoop
Absolute non-existence of body hair

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
People
Waking up one day in The Land of No Nicotine
Getting Hurt

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Mae ( a call, an sms, an email, anything..)
A packet of Wills Navycuts
my phone

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
My sad face
Boxers
Tee-shirt

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (currently speaking):
The Doors
Smashing Pumpkins
Erykah Badu

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (currently speaking):
Disarm-pumpkins
We could be so good together-the doors
I miss you-everything but the girl feat. Sade mix

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
Humour
Cuddles
Comfortable silences

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
I like my life
Gandhiji wore bi-focals
Yamini swings both ways

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
Reading
Writing
Checkin out trivia on the net n dropping it in conversations like it was something I knew all my life

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
Mae (grin)
leave home
finish my book

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
Writer (fiction, music reviews, life and travel journalism, script writing, essays on social things)
Gigallow
House-wife

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
Amsterdam
Hawaii
Manali

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU DON'T LIKE:
Karate Kid
Omanakuttan
Vijayakumar

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Travel
Publish my book
Get picked first for any kind of sports team

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
Womb envy
I hate meaningful conversations when im sober
I stand and pee

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
I love Shahrukh Khan romances (ssshhhhh!)
I have tits
I hate meaningful conversations when im sober

2005-10-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

The Tree of Euphesims...............:

i doubt if many of us realize the shade we live in...the comfort of standing under the tree of Euphesims, shielded from the sunny glare of reality...look at me for example..i explain myself and everything ive become in one easy word- 'underchiever'...i cn see u grinning but comfortable isnt it..? its a lot better than saying, to use a word off the top of my head, loser...or failure..'underachiever' kind of carries the promise of ability...'underachiever' sez ur pretty smart n u havnt achieved what u ought to given ur talent..we all do it..v pick up one of these tags along the way and stick em on our foreheads n become it..we believe it, and it kinda becomes true for us...when i hit twelth grade and my grades started slipping once the need for hard work and actual preparation came in ( a dyslexic can perform above average till twelth grade without much effort), i looked around and found one-'underachiever'...nice..just right for my ego, to let me lounge in my lethargy without pricks of consience...i 'chose' not to be competitive..i have the brains...but it was too ordinary...i can even go so far as to interpret it as the eccentricity of a genius..a brilliant mind who wanted not the cheap thrills of mundane competition, but the secret pleasures of high thought and epicurian living...underachiever..its a security-blanket... a nice one...but now im wondering..those 2 dreaded words that put u on the treacherous path to self-discovery..that bastard road to perdition, if i may.."what if?" what if i had tried? what then? would i have come out any better than average? of course..! really? well, hey im doing the world a favour really..surely theres too many poeple rushing about without a second to "stand and stare"? surely i come as a breath of fresh air in this MBA-obsessed nation..? this land of self-promoting chest-thumping mr.which-IIM-should-i-go-to-oh-god's...? an iconoclast, an anarchist..? a rebel..?
if you say so, but 'what if?'...hmm, un uncomfortable question..so unaccustomed to discomfort, me..where's my couch of excuses..? i need to relax...i had a long day...

"you wont understand who they thought i was supposed to be...
look at me now, im a man who wont let himself be..."
-Down In A Hole, Alice In Chains

2005-10-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

The Tyler Durden Club...............................................:

Violence is a pleasure thats been derided way too unfairly...Just like the moral police has us in double minds about pre-marital sex and monogamy and pot...they denied us violence too..ur moral science teacher tells you, "violence is evil"..and you ask,"whys that?"..."because mr.gandhiji said so"...because the world wants peace...what crap..! the author does not endorse war in any way and empathises with the families of the all those brave fools who willingly walked into machine guns...please dont declare war on us mr.bush...but violence as an art form needs to be explored a little more surely...hell, violence should be made a national sport..a legal drug..itd cure half the worlds problems..it might even prevent war...! imagine if all of us had a physical tangible way of venting our frustrations..have u ever wondered what it must feel like to smash ur feet into someones jaw..? to hear teeth breaking, muscle tearing..? have u ever experienced the thrill of beating somebody into submission..? to see them beg for mercy, shrivelling and bloody..? u spend the day in real life being bullied by MNCs and authority, by family and friends, by religion and morality...then u come home to ur alternate reality where u blow some steam off...beat ur personal punching bag to pulp, and get back at the world...violence..its the only way to go...next time ur sitting in a bar sick of life and torn up inside and someone eyeballs you, or walks into you, dont look away..look him (if its a her, its probably ur mother)straight in the eyes, and if he stares back, get off ur seat, walk up to him and ask him what the fuck hes staring at...ask him if his girlfriend still sleeps around...smash a bottle on his head...never mind if ur getting hit a lot more than he is, keep going..punch him till your fists hurt..kick and push and bite and struggle...dont stop till you see blood..when u do, take a deep breath and move in for the kill..uve got him now..blood upsets everyone and its advantage-you...ull come out feeling better,nevr mind missing tooth or broken bones or both...theres something inherently releasing, liberating about violence...ahimsa is a conspiracy...a psychological study of gandhiji will tell you he was a habitual wife-beater...or not...but what the fuck is he staring at..?

2005-10-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

The Jeferson Airplane of Equality.......:

The Constituion has to be the most institutionalised form of hypocrisy yet! I think it was Thomas Jefferson who said, "all men are created equal." A phrase that went on to be imprinted in constitutions of countries all over the world, including our own. It was also the inspiration (even if he nevr admitted it) behind a radical new school of thought credited to the genius of Karl Marx. communism went its predicted way, and all men are still equal, in thoery anway. But if u think about it, do we really want to be equal? At the sound of sounding like a class-snob (which I am not) I say hell, no!
I took a bus home from work today evening; suffocating in the sweaty smelly crowded white elephant that is govt. transport, I took a good look around. Me and the great unwashed. A motley bunch of bashful perverts, drunks, fisher women, college students, and geriatrics. Standing on one foot, my hand gripping the support for dear life, (much like a meditative yogi, if you paint out the people from the picture), I thought, this is what it feels like to be equal. We all pay the same subsidised bus fare, and we travel at the mercy of the State-in its dilapidated buses over badly maintained roads, praying for divine intervention. But wait; if all men are equal that does not leave space for a God does it? Omnipotent, omniscient God? So theres no hope either then when we're all equal. And then awakening dawned. Proletarianism was a defence mechanism! A get well card with a twist designed for a miserable people! Think about it-nobody in their right minds would want to be equal, if they had a choice. Look around us-for all the developments in economic theory, there is still no better sales pitch than snob appeal (once you're done with essentials)We dont want to be equal, we'd all like to be one step ahead, we were just declared equal. Not that it makes us all equal, not even if we wanted it to. But its thrown inour faces everytime we rise above the cesspools of our lives and ask in Oliver Twist fashion, "may I have some more?" No! why not? Coz all men are created equal! Thats why- the govt will tell you-its wrong to aspire and dream, to hope, to want better. Because all men are created equal. We didnt ask for this equality, we dont want it now, but thats how it is-we were all created equal!Its the political version of the original sin-equality.
well im sick of these double standards. I pay for my ticket,just like evryone else, why the hell are all the seats taken before i even step foot on the bus? If some of us sit and some of us stand, where is the equality in that?Id like to sit n travel after my 9-5 job. If that means paying a couple of bucks extra, Ill gladly pay it. I dont want to be equal. I want a seat. I want a cushion under my ass, and floor under my feet. If thats too much to ask, then balls to you mr. jefferson.

2005-10-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

Different Shades..................................................................................:

this is more of a question than an opinion..itd b nice if i cld get some responses too bad noone reads my blog..lol..anywys..i was just wondering...as a couloured people (to use a politically correct term) do any of u feel particularly disadvantaged..? lets forget economic development and colonial histories and things like that..the brits screwed us over n thats that...but as a new-generation indian, living in ur country or elsewhere...how important do u think ur colour is...? flip thru a magazine or watch a tv programme n ur bound to step over a couple of ads atleast for cosmetic products that supposedly make u fairer..most of my girlfriends moms pester them abt the importance of not going out in the sun or wearing colours that make them look fairer...i realize this is a personal issue but just how much of our aesthetic sense or ideal of beauty is defined by a post-colonial hangover? why the hullaboo abt being fair in a tropical country where sallow skin is but natural..a bit like supposedly jewish and carpenter jesus christ always being painted as an effeminate white man with etheral skin n flowing tresses...or the whole idea of mr. santa cluas from north pole so the roman catholic church could giv snow-crazy white kids something to relate to wt christianity -the white man wt gifts! but as rational liberated young minds how did v fall for it? as someone who has lived abroad, i admit (shamefully) that i have spent more than one gym hour wishing i werent so...so coloured..though i doubt id feel the same way now i wonder if v dont subconciously act along those pre-pubescent lines of thought..ok mebe we cn blame watching english televison on lack of good programmes in regional languages...western music on individual tastes..but how abt our tendency to sort of assume that anythng foreign is necessarily better..technologically, intellectually, culturally, in terms of 'coolness'? most of us dont even talk in out mother tongues..i hve very few close friends who handle thier mother tongues well..or claim not to be able to, i dont know...n surely, atleast once, v've all looked down on someone who cnt quite speak english wt the fluency we can..? but why, why does the english language or dressing like ur favourite rockstar make u better than somebdy who worships rajinikanth or reads tagore? do they not have the rights to individuality we demand? do they judge us too? im not blaming anyone seeing i am guilty as sin myself..but i cnt help wondering hw these things creeped into my system..i mean both my parents r very pro-mallu culture people..we've celebrated more onams than christmases..when did the rot set in..? is it really rot? do african people feel the same way abt thier blackness...? i think i started hating michael jackson wen he did his colour change thing..then he makes a song like 'black or white'! wt kind of an idea is being conveyed by a successful pop artist when he changes his skin colour the first million bucks he makes..? are v going to paint the sun n moon difrnt colours once nasa (there! why not an indian or egyptian scientist?) figures out how to...? im not sure; fair n lovely, anyone...?

2005-10-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

Forbidden Love....................................................

so im coming back..like i alwys knew i would..not for good..but a day n a little more...but im coming bk arent i..? how ive missed u dear chennai...! wt ur sprawling nighttime roads..n toxic pollution of the day...all the clubs and bars and coffee shops i spent an eternity in...the typically jesuit-sparseness of my college...the school girls wt their dumb new fads n the yo-macha's with thier skull caps n shiny shoes...satyam cinema and 2 am exercises in gluttony at chulei medu thattukada...all the flats we wrecked havoc in n got kicked out of..christ i think i mustve lived in evry corner of the city in those three years...the city where i discovered love and hate...the city that taught me guile and aloofness...with ur gates alwys open to the adventurer...i know we've had ups n downs..how many times hav i cursed that place..? but in the end memories of chennai endure..something about the city thats so all-encompassing...so huge and inviting...addictive almost...it scares me to come back in fact..will i be caught in ur clutches again..? u will let me go wont u..? much as id love to , i cant afford to disintegrate agen...i cant waste away any more..i have a life to lead, obligations to fulfill, expectations to hold up...how i crave to turn my back on them and throw caution to the winds and be a boy again...! to stick my nails in to ur soul and go deeper underground...but i cant..i really cant...theres too much riding on me now..im not the wide-eyed naive 18 year old who came knocking on ur door long long ago...there will be no more binges and parties..ive realized that rapture is a myth..that firends dont last...that love will not restrict itself to petty fights and sweet surprises... im a long long way from there...ive reached this place where joints are smoked in the privacy of my bathroom, not egged on by a gang of red eyed hysteric potheads...i down my drink on the terrace, the evening (morning, noon, whatever) breeze on my back, blue skies receding into night and darkness...i cant spend entire mronings in bed, tracing breathing patterns on the breasts of my love...i have to wake up at seven and present myself in office...suffer the ignominy of having to answer to the boss...yes sir, no sir, wil do sir, yes tahts very funny sir, hahahha...there r no weekends..by saturday im so exhausted all i want to do is never take my ass off my couch, or my eyes off the television...ive moved on...i may not be over you yet but im trying...
so this is kind of a request...u have to let me leave..please..dont seduce me into staying...i hate what ive become..this closed little person.. but a lot of ppl r counting on me..inexplicably but so...see you soon...with love...

2005-10-09T09:10:00.000-07:00

Of Cricket and Irvine Welsh......................................:
wow..i must b sadder tahn i thout..im home alone...n im sitting here blogging insted of a nitght out on the town..fuck me...im still high so that helps a little...having a discussion on chat wt another irvine welsh fan from somewhere...fuck tahts worse..im not even on the fone wt real people..im online!!! i dint realize 0 people r gonna read my bog though..i mena not tt i ahve a lot of riends or tt i write well but still..i thought someone mite have read one n left a note..lol..tt was pretty vain...reading ths book called china..the british library ahs ths way of making ur world shrink to its britishness doenst it..they dont stock any other books for fucks sake...i really dont have anythng tow rite abt anymore..lets all go to bed n try not kill ourselves then..blub blub...oh yeah rest of the world XXI lost the 3rd strt agme to australia..does nayone thing they were really badly planned? the teams i mean..if anyones into cricket startegy...yes i look more like harsha bhogle evryday...

2005-10-08T03:53:00.000-07:00

Ramblings of A Stoner...................:
wow its been a while since i felt this good..today was an awesome day...went for a drive with mao..got stoned..n watcheda german movie (wt subtitles) on the breeaking down of the berlin wall...if this isnt perfection, i dont want a better one..even picked up a shirt for my dad...first salary n all..bunked office so im not looking forward to going on monday...but right now i dont wnat to think about it...i just wanna prolong this moment...me, my comp n my doors collection...so im savouring the last moments of my dying high...we too shall part sweet intoxication, much as id like to stay...the boring mundaneness of sobriety will envelop me like a pair of claustrophobic maternal arms...smother me in her grip...and i will suffer in silence...and long for u...for the vast expanses of ur alternate reality...the hazy realms we cruise together...the sublime orgasms of escapist copulation...the laid backness and space of our secret love affair...i can hear her knocking...shes knocking on my door...franctically now...she wants me back..shed rather let me die than ponder the possibilities of a life outside her world...shes kocking hader...i think shes going to break the door down...and my defences will crumble to dust...and the life in me will shrivel to the size of a brand new foetus...so she can lock me up again in her womb of security...and i will suffocate in protective fluid...kicking and screaming for air...praying for light...wont u hear me cry? wont u take rescue me from the depths of her misery? are u not a possessive lover..? or atleast a jealous one..? wont u ask for me back and lay ur claim on me..?
plant a kiss on my dry lips and grab me by my gut? with passion, with need and desire...? but those are things a platonic romance cannot afford arent they...? no, there will be no missing me...no cinematic running down the streets calling my name...no tear stained letters or sneaked phone conversations...i will simply have to come back for u...to u...where u wait in ur smoky liars..or a seedy pavement or the back seat of mao's car...and be urs again...lose myself in u...and i will come...theres no doubt about that...i will come looking for u..craving for a swim in the pools of ur darkness...and u will be my aqualung...my beautiful friend...how long, how long will we do this...? how long will we conceal our secret trysts? how long will we run and hide..? u must believe me daer baby...im not ashamed of our love...im scared...im scared of how they will judge me if they find out...? they will try to stop me from meeting u again...but u and i both know that would be too terrible...how would i survive without u...ur love is so addictive, ur soul so mysterious...u make me think and luagh and smile and cry...and i never even know what ur thinking...wt r u looking for in our relationship...? do u ahve plans for me? for us? or will u dicth me on the wayside like i did evryone for u...? or will u take me over? think and act and talk for me...till all of me dies with the nicotine we burn...? and u r left alone, my heart on a chain around ur neck like a meadal...one more conquest, one more life? one more brother, husband, father, orphan? is that what u plan for me...? i dont care my love..i trust in u...surely death cannot do us part? death cannot inttimidate me after everything uve taught me about existence...about the soul and its ways...but we must part ways now..if only temporarily...for the dawn is almost here...her light shining in my eye like a policemans flashlight...waking me up from beautiful slumber...ordering me back to my feet so i can bend over in respectful servitude...use me and abuse me...whip me and hurt me...rape me...rupture me till blood rushes out like my tears...she'll never let me die though...she likes too much to see me suffer...she'll consume me, little by little...till i become her and everything she wants me to be...and our re-unions will consist of rare five minute sneak-outs...paranoid with the fear of being discovered...in the sweaty embrace of ur love...till we meet again...yours truly...

2005-10-05T02:35:00.000-07:00

Just Like The Movies..................
this is actually something my friend told me...ive always carried the same thought around in my head and i was surprised to find out that somebody else feels the same way...so i thought id post this and try n find out if anybody else does too...in her own words...

"...can i tell u smthn ive always felt.. every movie or book i read or see.. theres this thing i have. i feel it continues witout us knowing.. n i like to think every movie or book i see/read is like a glimpse into tht existence.. do u kno wat i mean .. as in somwher in the universe or smthn.. its goin on.. the lives of the ppl continue in tht world.. but we dont see it coz we're shut away from it.. almost like evry book/movie has a life of its own.. n thts y songs in movies are sad coz they indicate another life.. with its hopes n dreams n sadness n joys.. its soo sad. its heart wrenchingly nostalgically sad .. ! i can conenct wit it.. i can feel the sadness.. its weird.. "

ok this is a small part of an email she sent me so im not sure the whole idea is conveyed but i think ull get wht shes talking about...i for one really believe taht nothing ends with the hero n heroine walking away into the sunset or the villain getting shot in his balls...surely there's more...? surely the couple have a beautiful wedding ceremony and move to a beautiful little house in hawaii and have beautiful babies who turn out to be walking nightmares...or maybe thier marriage falls apart because the flat they share is too expensive and one of them hits the bottle, the other loses a job or a dear one... or the villain's son comes back for revenge and falls in love with the hero's girlfriend instead, stuck in a dilemna -shld he avenge his fathers death and grieve his love...? or something like that...i mean it cant just stop with 'the end' can it...? they must continue to live in thier own alternate parallel universes...living n breathing and loving and hurting and getting hurt...the show must go on after all..

2005-10-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

Who Wants To Be A Rockstar...??
i hate to whine ( actually, i dont-theres no greater pleasure than self-pity) but did anyone happen to watch ' rockstar inxs'...? primetime television - watch talented younsters from all over the world compete to become the lead singer for inxs, a legendary band with extremely justifiable claims to rock n roll greatness...now, dont get me wrong...some of the participants were truly awesome...that australian guy who sang baby i love ur way deserves a recording deal on his own...im not sure who won, i lost interest half way through...but makes u wonder doesnt it...? a talent scout picking the lead singer for a legendary rock band...? in the presence of the esteemed band members of course, and dave navarro (dave fucking navarro!) playing host...but still...? did i just waste the best part of the last 21 years of my life on something that plastic...? is that what rock is all about...? wtvr happened to high school buddies jamming in garages... struggling bands fighting thier way into popularity playing cheesy clubs and local gigs...the ego clashes, the controveries, the attitude, the bedlam...the sex, the drugs, the sheer rock n roll of it...? would ozzy n morrison n hendrix command the same respect n awe if they had won their recording contract on a tv show...say american idol or fame gurukul...? i always thought the best part about rock is how it sets u apart...that connection, that one-ness u feel with another metallica-holic or purple-head...but is that the kind of demographic (culturally and intellectually) thats going to buy the new inxs album...? certainly, atleast a lion share of the new album's sales is going to come from teeny-boppers who watched the show...? hasnt tv taken away enough from us already...? our opinions our points of view, our selves...? does the entertainment industry need to take away rock n roll too...? or maybe i was wrong all along...maybe ozzy did perform in leather n boots for a bunch of pot bellied studio executives before sabbath made their first album...maybe some hot-shot MBA in mass communication and media told hendrix to take apart star-spangled banner and make it a symbol of things to come for an entire generation...maybe spice girls n backstreet boys are the original rockstars...or maybe rock is well and truly dead...

2005-10-04T12:05:00.000-07:00

Part Time Lover........
...so this is what its come to then...this is what six months of thnakless work, bad pay, long distance romance and numerous watery coffees do to u...ur reduced to keeping online journals for solace...oh well...just another day in the life of sisyphus...
i guess the good news is i can chumma sign out n leave wen i want to...thats abt the only good thing the nets done for u isnt it...?people say its made the world a smaller place...wt its actually done is its made ur world smaller...ur oyster now consists of 20gb of music, a mouse and the cold embrace of the computer screen...n for the commitment-freaks ( a tv-term! did freud or ayn rand define commitment-freakism in any of thier psycho-analogy?), theres always the added enticement of a commitment free relationship...no messy breakups, no awkward bumping-into's at a common hang-out later...when u think uve had enough, when uve exhausted all ur possibilities, u simply disconnect...its as easy as that...technology and the introverted-its a marriage made in heaven...or frankenstein's lab...depending on how u choose to look at it...i have to say the arrangement suits me...dont take offence dear diary...but i will leave u one day...for the welcoming arms of love...or the nihilistic highs of mortality...but ull nevr complain will u ol' girl...? no u werent programmed to do that...u wouldnt miss me if i found somebody else...u wouldnt shed silent tears or scream or shout or reminisce over the good times we shared-solitaire sessions n pornography...u would simply move on...maybe place an ad for another lonely soul...but u know u'll get left behind again dont u...? so will i...ur advantage being closure (another tv-term! ironic isnt it?) while i beat myself up n dip myself in whisky or drugs begging to be taken back...no ud nver let urself be lowered to that...but im only human aftr all...truth be said, i think its been a lovely evening...the best as far as first dates go...u always know what ud like to order or wch movie ud like to see...none of that "u decide,, no no u decide, really" bullshit...n i love u for it...but in the words of joy divison..."love will tear us apart..." goodnite baby...